Please don't complain that these are old jokes. There are no new jokes.
(1) A man and a couple of his friends had just finished a round of golf at the country club and they were changing their shoes when a cell phone on the bench rang. The man picked it up and answered it.
"Hi honey," said the woman on the other end.
"Hi honey," replied the man.
"I was just calling to tell you about this fur coat I found today. It's beautiful fox fur and I just love the way it looks on me. It's on sale too, a real bargain. It's down to $2000 from $4000. Can I get it?" The man thought about it for a second and said, "You're sure it's a good deal?"
"Oh yes," replied the woman.
"Okay then, I guess you can get it," replied the man.
The woman continued, "Oh, and you know how we've been thinking about getting rid of the Lexus and getting a new Jaguar? Well, I went to the dealership today and the guy gave me a real deal. He said he'd lower the price from $50,000 to $35,000 just for me. Can I get it?"
The man thought a little harder and said, "If you're sure it's a good deal, then yes, go ahead and get the Jaguar."
The woman continued again. "Oh, one last thing, honey. Remember that house we saw last month that we really liked, but decided we'd wait and think about? Well, it's on the market again, so I checked the price. It's down to $450,000 and I checked with the bank and we have enough in the checking account so that I can just write a check. Should I get it?"
The man got a frown on his face and said, "See if you can get them down to $420,000. If they'll go down to that, go ahead and get it."
The woman was extremely excited. "Okay honey, thank you so much! I'll see you when I get home! Bye!"
"Bye," said the man. He hung up the phone and looked at the other men in the locker room and said, "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"
(2) Harry was madly in love with Betty, but couldn't pluck up enough courage to pop the question face to face. Finally he decided to ask her on the telephone. "Darling!" he blurted out, "will you marry me?" "Of course, I will, you silly boy," she replied, "but who is speaking, please?"
(3) What's the difference between a married man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
(4) The policeman arrived at the scene of an accident to find that a car had struck a telephone pole. Searching for witnesses, he discovered a pale, nervous young man in work clothes who claimed he was an eyewitness.
"Exactly where were you at the time of the accident?" inquired the officer.
"Mister," exclaimed the telephone lineman, "I was at the top of the pole!"
(5) Once there lived a man who had a passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they had a lively reaction on him.
Then one day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "she is such a sweet and gentle girl, she will never go for this kind of carrying on." So making the supreme sacrifice, he gave up baked beans.
They were married shortly thereafter.
Months later, his car broke down on the way home from work, and he had to walk home. On the way home, he went into a small cafe and called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home.
After making the call, he smelled baked beans in the cafe. They were the best beans he had ever smelled! He could not resist and had three large orders of baked beans. All the way home he had gas.
His wife seemed excited and somewhat agitated to see him, exclaiming, "darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight!"
She blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the dining room table. He seated himself.
Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She made him vow not to touch the blindfold until she returned.
Seizing the opportunity of her absence, he shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not loud, but as ripe as rotten eggs. He took the napkin from his lap and fanned the air about him.
Things had just returned to normal when he felt another urge coming on. So he shifted his weight to the other leg and let go again. This was a prize winner. He figured that he must be done. But then he made a third fart. This one made the flowers at the table wilt! Yet somehow his wife didn't hear him.
While keeping his ear on the phone conversation in the hall, he again fanned vigorously until he heard the phone farewells, indicating the end of his freedom. He was the very picture of innocence when his wife returned.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked. He assured her that he had not.
At this point, she removed the blindfold and there was his surprise -- twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party!
(6) A group of redheads and a group of blondes heard that the telephone company was looking for people, so they went and applied. The telephone company decided to give them a test before hiring anyone so they sent the teams out to install telephone poles.
At the end of the day they reported back on how they had done. The team of redheads had installed 10 telephone poles and the team of blondes, one. The redheads were hired but the blonde team protested that the redheads had cheated because they left most of the poles sticking out of the ground.
(7) Man: I'd like to call you. What is your telephone number?
Woman: It's in the phone book.
Man: But I don't know your name.
Woman: That's in the phone book too.
(8) A call was answered at a 911 emergency center..
"Please, send an ambulance, my mother-in-law has eaten poisonous mushrooms," a male caller said.
The ambulance came, and the paramedics examined the victim.
"Why does she have a bump on her head and bruises and scratches all over?," one of the paramedics asked.
"She didn't want to eat the mushrooms," the son-in-law answered.
(9) The telephone rang in the mansion of Lord Glenarvan. The butler answered the call.
"It's me. Please go to my wife's bedroom and tell her that I'll be home late from the club."
"Sorry, Milord, her ladyship is already asleep."
"Then wake her and tell her, while I hold the phone," the caller said.
"Yes, Sir," the butler replied.
The butler came back and said, "My Lord, her ladyship's door was locked, and when I knocked, a man's voice told me to go the hell."
The caller then said, "Damn them! Get a rifle from my collection, break down the door, and shoot them both."
"Yes, Sir," the butler responded."
A few minutes later, the butler returned to the phone and reported, "My Lord, I tried my best. I killed your wife, but as I was about to shoot the man, he jumped through the window and into the garden, and got away."
The confused caller then said, "What garden? There's no garden next to the bedroom window." "In that case, Sir, I am afraid you dialed a wrong number. Good day."
(10) This is the Auto Attendant message at Britain's National Health Service, Mental Health Helpline:
"If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly. If you have multiple personalities, press 2,3,4, & 5. If you are paranoid, we know who you are, stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you what to do. If you are delusional, press 6 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you have manic depression, it doesn't matter what you press, no-one will answer anyway. If you have amnesia, press 7 and state your name, address, date of birth, telephone number, social security number and your mother's maiden name. If you have post traumatic stress, press 8 very gently, slowly and carefully. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have low self esteem, please hang up, our operators are too busy to talk to you anyway".
(11) A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Laura, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Laura was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone. The next day Laura went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Laura," he said, "how do you like your new phone?" Laura replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."! "What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband. "How did you know I was in Saks?
(12) Recently, Germany conducted some scientific exploration involving their best scientists. Core drilling samples of earth were taken to a depth of 150 feet and during the core examinations, small pieces of copper were discovered. After running many arduous tests on these samples, the German government announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.
Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. So they ordered their own scientists to take their core samples at a depth of 300 feet. From these samples, they found small pieces of glass and soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fiber optic network.
Irish scientists were outraged. So immediately after this announcement, they ordered their scientists to take samples at a depth of 600 feet found absolutely nothing. They concluded that the ancient Irish 55,000 years ago were an even more advanced civilization, as they already had a wireless telephone network.